a very quiet day....

I wish i dun hv to come across tis thing as i dun want any reminder of wat had happened a few days ago. It has kept me groggy and numbed for a while. at first i felt nothing.. but later i feel like slapping that lunatic woman. How dare she insulted me and called me names.. pakcik has been silent forever.. no response for my final email...
PakMail said perhaps it has hit him right at ithe raw nerves.. well who cares.. i have to go on liiving anyway..
But realising that he has lied to me for a whole year made me want to crawl under the bed..
The need of getting it outta my system..
Arghhh Benci menyampah... semua ada...

Gerimis di hati..

baru sejam lepas, hp aku berbunyi, lagu cindai...hmm eran gak aku.. pakcik cakap hp dia ilang, someone broke into his car... takkan dah jumpa kot..
aku angkat.. suara pompuan ygcakap.. hati aku dah rasa tak sedap..
"Ida, Dr Shah ada call Ida tak?" lembut je suara tu bertanya tapi.. aku ingat lagi.. ni suara pompuan yg sama call aku sethn lepas masa aku belum ada apa2 ngan pakcik..
Perut aku dah mula sakit..
"hmm ni sapa ni?"
Bini Dr Shah...
Dah... sama cama sethn lps, cuma versi kali ni lain skit.. selepas /makcik/ tu mencarut dan melepaskan geramnya akt aku selama beberapa minit. aku off kan hp.. perasaan aku masa tu? beku.. kaku
hmmm ntah lah.. aku malas dah nak pikir ini semua. cuma satu je kata kuncinya... kalau mmg pakcik dah kawin. memang silap aku la tak siasat lebih lanjut. Dah setahun, pompuan sama gak call aku dulu.. tapi aku ngan pakcik masa tu takder apa2..jumpa pun sekali je masa tu..
pakcik ada bagitau pas tu bila hbgn kami dah mula berputik yg tu adik dia,, been protective..
ntah le.. agaknya ALLAH nak bagi petunjuk kat aku,.. sebelum perasaan aku makin kuat kat pakcik..
Salah aku gak.. aku 99.9% confident he's a widower. ye la.. abis bajui semua pun antar laundry. aku sellau nampak kat dalam keter dia..
agaknya aku mmg org 'cool' cewahh.. i ll take tis calmly. Ya la... nak dikesalkan? aku gak yg tongong.. tapi klu mmg dia dah kawin.. ( siap aku dapat sms dr bini dia lag tu.. berbunyi" pas ni nahas la ko,, bini2 dia dah tau""
bini2 dia tuuuu...
Ntah.. aku mmg dah was was dgn hbgn aku ngan apkcik ni.. cam tak der kesudahannya..
rupa2nya ini la kesudahannya.. aminnn
sedih gak.. tapi.. kalau gaya nya abis cam ni.. nak menyampah ada lagi aku.. setahn aku ditipunya.. nasib baik.. prepaid aku tu dia yg sponsor.. klu tak... abiskan masa ngan duit je aku duk sms dia
buka buku baru.. tutup buku lama pas ni..
sekurangnya2 aku bersyukur ALLAH sempat lagi menyedarkan aku sebelum aku terpesong jauh..ya la.. bercinta ngan laki org ni payah beb...
aku pun sedaya upaya nak mengelakkan is dr berlaku..
nasib baik adik aku je yg tau pasal ni.. so takpayah la aku nak kena xplain kat ramai org
bohong la aku klu cakap aku tak risau sekarang...
perasaan tgh bercelaru ni.. rasa cam nak pi cekik je pakcik tu
sementelah aku pun tgh konpius gak ni.. yg tepon aku tu bini dia ke adik dia as he claimed b4?
tapi aku dah nekad.. kalau tu bukan bini dia sekalipun.. aku nak putuskan gak hbgn aku ngan pakcik..
aku rasa dah takder gunanya..
plenty of fishes in the sea...
haaa.. senang je cakap.. tapi rasanya selepas ni.. aku dah takleh syg lelaki lain macam aku syg pakcik yg tua dan buruk tu...
betul.. love is blind...
and i was too blind to realise the truth..
padan muka aku !
tapi dalam hati ini... bak kata zamani.
dalam tak sedar ku menangis....
huhuhuhu.....
hmmm ntah le.. agaknya begini la hidup manusia.. sekejap suka.. sekejap duka...
bilakah akan tiba bahagia di hati ni...

segalanya kaku.. bisu

Its been days. penat rasanya pagi petang aku astyik demam .. demam dan demam. a whole day at HUKM yesterday, with no one to talk with.. rasanya hampir nak beku jaw aku..
Entahlah.. kalau dah sakit sakit macam ni.. macam2 benda yg aku pikir. Teringat kat arwah Nik Aa, junior aku masa kat KB dulu, entah la.. perhaps i can call myself an empath.. maybe.. sellau fikirkan macamana perassan org lain yg ditimpa malang.
arghhh taktau apa lagi yg aku pikirkan saat ni.. malam tadi masa duk terbongkang atas katil dgn kepala yg berdenyut2 leh plak aku layan perasaan aku karang novel dalam kepala otak aku..terkejip2 bijik mata aku tak leh tido sampai la sakit kepala aku ilang.
Sms pakcik.. dia offkan dia hp. Ntah.. aku pun dah malas nak pikirkan..
Lantak dia le .. aku sebenarnya dah penat jaga perasaan org lain..
perasaan aku, tak sapa nak ambik tahu...
hmmm baru sat dia anta email... cakap hp dia ilang
no wonder, manjang je dia offkan hp.. satu sms aku pun tak terdeliver
masalah dgn dia ni.. no aku pun dia tak ingat..

same old story...

woke up as usual. suddenly i remembered , need to take a blood test as tis is the last day of the week. wiggled my ankle a bit.. hm not bad, i think i cud survive for anthr 1/4 mile or more bfore flinching with pain.. again..
the body is still not in usual self yet.. called a cab, have to make a fast move cos i need to take a medication before the same " feeling" came. reached HUKM at half past 9 and went straight to the clinic to ahve my blood taken. yurghhh 3 cc of it.. and my knee felt weak after the sucking of my blood. at 10 i m safely home. the ankle somehow was a bit hurt. I dunno.. perhaps its a muscle pain? or nerves? read the post from the newsgp. someone did complain abt her postpain surgery after the replacement and it was 9 mths after the op.
Funny.. i nvr had those pain muscles or tendonitis.. only lately.. but i did blame it on my RA.. somehow it finallya attcked my left ankle, probably after not been able to attack the metal artificial knee cap of mine.. so i think it has decided to attack the nearest joint to its real target. My theory.. dun get too excited with it..
exhausted in the afternoon.. and again i blamed it on the vampires that have taken 3 ml of my blood for all those tests..
that reminds me of pakcik the other nite
" they shud take FBP too"
" i said etc.. and that one includes too la"
"Eg?"
Gosh.. when it comes to explanation..he always want to know the tiny meticulous detail abt it.
Thank GOD i didnt tell him abt my mistake of going there with my stomach full.. and realised my mistake afterwards for not checking wats in the form first.
Or else, i will get anthr bombarding provocating remark from my belove dpakcik for being so negligent..duhh
Hmm.. I missed him a lot too.. havent heard from him since the nite he tot i provoked him and as usual.. he hurled an insult for a retaliation..
But then, i have to admit, i cant just shut him off.. once a while, when i m in a better mood, i realised i need him for his mind, especially. everything that he said made a sense.. excpt when he started his craps..
and i keep on thinking.. do i really love him for the person he is? i might just extract his brain if that;s the part of him that i love most.. something like the brain of Albert E? LOL
Well.. and its been 2 weeks since i last met him. Man.. ppl might think i m the crazy woman who d rather love an old man becos of... well no reasons? its an unsolved mystery...
and yet.. me too.. not really sure whether he really loves me as I am or...
I m off to sleep...

not really been back to normal..

Its been a tough week for me. As the joints has decided to flare up once again,,ta daaaa.. and i gues si cud take it if i dun hv to go naywhere or dun hv a dead line.. BUT..it came at the wrong time.,. where i m supposed to submit back my final thesis b4 the month ends so dat my theiss will make it into the fac n senate meeting..
and,..
to top it all..
i ahve an interview tis week!
I cant afford to have thse flare ups..
so ok.. maybe i dun mind my body aches all over.. i can still walk slowly.. but i cant AFFORD if my ankle hurt so much that i cant put any pressure on it...uwaaaaaaaa
ok.. tis is only one of tests from THE ALMIGHTY.. i cant just whine all over it..
but i am only HUMAN..
so this is me...end of complaints.

the 2nd interview went well.. I think.. besides its good to reveal yr true self bfore they started enquiring abt it.. I know.. they cant help noticing abt my "handicapped"
Luckily, i were still able to go for the interview. I might not be there if it were not for the ones who helped me A LOT.. U know who.
Pakcik doesnt help much tho.. and lately.. i dun think much abt him.. strange...
Hmmm.. will tis relationship survive?
I m too tired to write anymore..
till next time..

Ached all over

i guess today is the worst day of my life.. if there is a pain day.. i d conisder today as the most painful day in my life. I woke up with my body ached all over. A result of using a not ergonomic chair while using a pc
Huwarhhh.. i am even too tired to type now. The muscles are all aching. esp the waist and the spine. rasanya cam seprti kena debuk berkali2
I guess tis is the consequence of hard work yesterday.. duh... plus i think i m catching some virus again.. the throat is sore, allrite..
Hmm.. pakcik is reacting weirdly tho.. malas nak pk.. i m so in pain dat even if he wants to break up now, i wudnt even bother..
DUHH!!

The Disturbing Thought..

I m stuck here. I ve been at the dept since 10 am waiting for Dr Kimto show up.. Alas, despite the appt that we ve made earlier, he's no where to be seen. And I m still here after 2 hrs, feeling like a stranger in a new place. There re the same old faces, a bit unfriendly now,, and looking at them having a hectic life, make me realised that i ve been so " free" all these while
Where the hell is Dr Kim? I shud have called him first.. but then i ve informed earlier trhat I ll be coming today. Probably, there is something that he cant avoid. Heard from Linggam later that his father was admitted today..
No wonder..
Hm... i have an uneasy feeling abt pakcik.. dun know why.. but... perhaps its my instinct..
been sending him sms many times since last nite,,
he nvr replied..
I had tis queer feeling ... i think he's avoiding me
.. That must got something to do with his siblings.. last time i called him was on saturday.. when he was at his sisster's hse at KJ.
Hmm.... wat shud I do..
do I need to sms him again n again till he replied?.. he never act like tis b4... unless he ha sswitched off his hp..
Hmm.. well.. perhaps i d beter wait n see.. If hedecided not to see me anymore.. I guess..
that will be the end of our relationship..
I ve been thinking a lot tho lately..
abt our relationship.. family etc... and God... it does sound very impossible to be together..
Perhaps its better if we broke up...
Hmm.. I dunno.. usually my instinct is nvr wrong..

One Fine Morning

he house is very still quiet wehn i woke up tis morning. Ma called last nite, telling that akad nikah zura will be held early nxt month. Hmm.. guess.. everyone is taking fast paces nowadays.
Mula2 kata nak wat bulan 10 sekali arung.. now nakw at akad nikah dulu and langsungnya probably in august. lecehnya cos time tu budak periksa UPSR. and we have nurul and amir taking the exam this year. Hmm silap2 most of us cudnt attend at that time..
well.. kahwin tu perkara baik,.. but he has to consider our big family. kalau setakat nak cuti 2-3 hari from his study, takkan tak boleh kot. Hoenymoon tu lain kali la..
Just a tot..
I missed pakcik tho..
I guess i m the only one who wil be single forever.. herhehehe

An unexpected news

Well.. last nite. kami dikejutkan dengan satu berita... terkejut gak bila zuni called and cakap
" weih. mu konvo bila"
" tak tau lagi.. probably august kot"
"how was the viva"
"hmm it went ok"
" eh ma pesan ni..."
"menda?"
"Zura nak kawin!"
"Huh!"
Ok.. so i d alreay known.. sooner or later, she's gonna get married.. but nvr expceted that when rasma's family came yesterday, they actually wanted to fix the date alreday.
Huh! no merisik, no pinang2. terus nak kawin.
diao org kalau boleh nak disegerakan.. mesti thn ni jugak..
I can imagine how ma n bak took the news..
mesti terkejut beruk! hahahaha
especially ma.. hopefully she can take the news
Zura pun satu.. main pakat2 ngan Rasma but nvr told a thing to ma n bak
I remember her sms when i revealed abt my rship with pakcik
"Huh! so mu n pakcik nak kawin ke?" well i admit the sms did sound something..
hehehe.. ke dia takut aku kawin dulu? well she deserved getting maried first. after all.. they ve been together for 3 yrs already and to top of it, she's the normal person.. exc for a flaw ( but who bother abt it nowadays)
Compared to me, i m the disabled one. i m not sure whether pakcik's family will accept me.. i m a handicapped, remember?
duh... i m not counting on it tho.. its just a wish.
anyway.. I got 2 missed calls last nite. One from zuni and one from ma. They both called the hsephone later.
zura called again tis morning. i was on thewayback after breakfasting kat dapur Mas.
"Ma tanya, konvo mu bila?"
well.. wats with the chaos of wanting to know when is my convo ni. I wont know till June. senate meeting to fix the convo date pun lum tetap agi. and i m not a clairvoyant LOL
I guess ma's getting worried, pihak seblah sana cam desak je suh cepatkan. kot2 la clash ngan konvo gue.. cett.. convo will only take a day. bukan seminggu..
Ma hinted to K.ina, it will only happened in October. before fasting mth... Che mimi pun tak nak buat time cuti skolah..
come to think of it.. why they wanna rush.. as rasma will only finish his practical on June and finished his last semetsre afterwards.
its not dat, if he's maried before dat, he'd not be transferred to either swak or sabah. after all.. bini yg kena ikut suami.. bukan the other way arnd.. and being a dcotor herself, zura has no problem getting transferred to any part of msia..
hahaha pelik pelik..
i came to a conclusion later..
Both dah tak sabo2 nak kawin.. kekekeke
wat abt me n pakcik?
hmmm ntah.. too many obstacles .. i can only see a vague future of me n pakcik..
iya la.. klu ada jodoh ada le.. tak ada nak wat camna..
semuanya TUHAN yang menentukan..
Manusia hanya merancang...

A Quiet Day yet filled with Amal's pitifull lament

Hmm.. suddenly i feel so... ermm.. empty.. i have no more things to worry abt.. my viva was finally over and I only have to do a few corrections before submitting it back ( make sure that u ll pass it b4 the end of the month, Ida)
The day went quietly.. tho Tis morning i woke up by the wailing of Amal. he cried a lot nowadays. Penat rasanya duk dgr bebudak kecik nangis. went down for breakfast and didnt come up till 12ish. Hmm a missed call from Dr Kim at 10ish. too late to call him back as its lunch time already. Hmm... wat did he wanna tell me now? a bit curious. cant wait to call him back tis afternoon.

so.. this is the day. I went quite early this morning.. called a cab and dushh.. before i reached the door knob, the cab is already here. Applause to Public cab.. well u can ring 03-62592020 if u want a cab that will be at yr doorstep rite after u put down yr phone. LOL
Arrived at IPS at 11.30. Looked for Encik Rosli. Alas, the person before me hasntgone in yet as the dean was at the meeting in anthr faculty. I guess this is gonna be a long wait.. with butterflies flew in my stomach and all.
Dr Kim and Dr Rosnah came later.
"i tot u ll be coming to the dept first"
" he he cannot.. i cant stand ppl asking me.. viva bila, viva bila.. leh mati tension cam tu" three of us giggled
the first person took so long in there. I wonder will i be bombarded with qs like him. Guess when u r there for more than 30 minutes, tat will mean "TROUBLE"
Bak pesan suruh baca surah alikhlas banyak2. and i ve been doing it since i was in the cab. mesti cab driver tu peilk.. apa kena budak ni kumat kamit cam lembu tua kunyah daun muda..
the first candidate has come out. My turn now. Dr Rosnah patted slowly on my shoulder. "Dun worry. it will be over before u realised it".
yeah rite, i bet she was as nervous as me now when she had her viva before.
someone came out and invited us in. well i was not sure where shud i sit. at the end of the table?
before i decided where to sit, the dean suddenly muttered" Oh u r the candidate? pls wait outside first, boleh?"
Ler.. abis tadi suruh masuk. maybe she tot that i m one of the invited. hahahaha.. ok le tu.. naik skit status ku.
u may come in. so here I am.. been waiting for tis moment for the past 6 years. Ya Allah.. tenangkanlah hati hamba mu ini.
20 minutes later....
"congratulation Cik Roslida for gaining the title. just wait for the official conformation after u submitted yr final thesis"
"thank u"
Yahooooooooo... Syukur pada mu TUHAN. it ended well. My nightmare is finally ended. cant wait to give the good news to everyone. Cet, cam la org tnggu sangat pun.
Sms ed pakcik. : Dah selesai. All's well ends well.
Hmm.. not delievered. Guess he has turned off his hp.
hmm wats next? kena angkut all those previous thesis la plak. Got 2 already. had to ask En Rosli for anthr 3. Looked like they havent returned them. Guess these crippled hands of mine cant lift those 2 heavy thesis. Called Kak Ina for help.
Next thing to do: Call bak.

ok.. so the meeting ends well. Pakcik treated me with a nice lunch and he told me ( more like strolled down the memory lane). Come to think of it.. we ve been together for more than a year already and i nvr asked him abt his family. Tis is good, a very fine progress indeed. now i knew he's the eldest and his late father was once a state chief minister.. mak aihh.. i cant nvr tell him abt my normal family history where as at his side, his grandfather was the first malay who obtained degree n masters from overseas and his latefather was an Oxford grad.. uwaaaaaaaa...

last nite was the worst day of my life.. just imagine, i ve been calling pakcik since the morning, he never ansered the calls.. i sms ed him, emails him.. if he had a pager.. i d even page him
takkan la meeting dari pagi sampai ptg.. tension bult up.. satu kije pun tak jadi.. and it ll be 2 more days to go.. i havent prepared anything yet... bak will be nonchanlantly mad if he knew tis.. after all the "pressure" that i gave him.. whining abt my thesis and such...
Arhhh... wat happened to pakcik?
so after semayang asar, i tried to catch my 40 winks..only to be woke up again by the pittering patering of the noisy rain, sounded like someone has thrown pebbles on the window panes.. i woke up thinking that.. well yeahhh
Great.. we re having "hujan air batu " lak dah. went downstairs, teringat org2 tua cakap, kalau kita ambik airbatu tu, boleh dibuat ubat? But who gonna risk their heads going out in the rain trying to catch some iced? hahah silap silap.. ada yg masuk siap berdarah2 lak
and at that particular time, pakcik decided to call me.. thru the hse phone.. ok.. so I m trying to be cool..
"sorri la, i left my hp in the car and i cudnt find yr no so i just call tis one instead,, it appeared in my missed call list" ( yeah rite.. how cud a man forgot his gf's no? his no has become part of myself already.. dun hv to memorise or recite it watsoever)
MY anser" hmmm ingatkan meeting dr pagi smp ptg takabis"
" so do u want yr thesis immediately" and before i cud anser he continued" ok, i m driving to JJ after maghrib, I ll call u when i reached there"
"yup sure, abg dah nak balik ke tu? its raining terribly here, hujan air batu lagi.. "
" really? apasal tak kutip?"
"wat for"
" ambikla.. buat air batu campo"
"ok then, dun forget, call me tau when ur here.. i ll be waiting for yr call"

Huish, semangat skit aku, so tis is not a date. I m trying to get back my property back here.. i ve been nagging him to return my theiss for days already.

8.30 pm: my first sms to him: mana ni taknampak pun.. Jgn sesat udah le!
9.00 pm: Forgot wat i ve written as i was pissed off but the end of my sms conatained something like. I ve been waiting like a fool dr pas maghrib lagi AS YOU TOLD ME TO!
10.00 pm: so he's not coming, i knew it when he didnt call after 9. Tensionnn!
11.00 pm: he's getting me worried.. i knew my sms is not delivered as he has off his hp.. tis time i m really worriedddd!where the hell is he?
11.44pm: ok.. so where r u now? i m dementedly worried dah ni. call me ASAP if u read tis.

i dun know wats more important then.. after a few sms and and email.. i m not suer which i m worried more now.. the need of my thesis or his where abt?
Arhh nyampah nyampah.. i dun need these tension budding up around me and within myself..
WHERE IS HE?
manala tau kot2 something happened to him? ishhhhh.. and then wat abt my thes? i ll be losing it forever too? uwaaaaaaaaaaaa the tot frightened me off? which one i love most ni? him or my precious only copy of ths tu? oh TUHAN...
12.00 am: my hp vibrates.. Finally.. he has on his hp! Sabar ida.. 1, 2,3 yr sms has been delivered!
OK wat's next?
The Ring...
" where have u been?" amboiii belum sempat kita tny dia, dia lak yg potoong trip.. ni sapa stood up sapa ni.. Ishh ni yg aku rasa nak meletup ni..
" i shud ask the same q at u, where r u? U off yr hp.. how m i supposed to locate u klu dah tak call"
" i was there kat JJ, i called yr hse phone.. noboy ansered" ( ok.. so i did hear the phone rang arnd 8ish and it stopped.. so i tot somebody has ansered it.. NOT MY FAULT)
" apasal call phone rumah"
" i tinggal rumah my hp, recharged its batt"
bla bla bla.. ( not gonna write all those.. it like u r rewinding all those old movies.. with cause and consequences..i guess tat wat lectures been doing.. explaining some tiny matter to an enornous details..
I still feel dissatisfied afyer the conv.. but we re gonna meet at 10.30 am tis morning.. I need to get my THESIS back.. by hook or by crook.. Its one more day left!!

2 more days to go. uwaaaaaaaaaaa.. and i still dun hv my thesis copy back. thanks to u pakcik..
sakit hati pun ada.. bz sangat ke dia sampai call pun tak jawab2.. i just need my dissert back.. dah le my ankle hurts like hell.. ( i m not complaining) and to go out at tis kinda weather... uwarhhhhh... bila la dia ni nak call.. bila bila bila?
meet him and and take back my thesis.. wont take 10 mins of yr time.. but it will take hrs of mine instead.. ye lah.. taking cab to lrt station is one thing.. pas tu ambik lrt to the partucular lrt station.. and then back again.. hmmm i hope this ankle of mine will survive.. even yesterday jalan2 kat O-U pun rasa dah berpeluh.. enduring the pain..
and today is the last day la.. i NEED IT! RETURN IT BACK PAKCIK!!! or i ll blame u if i failed my vive.. LOL

Ok.. so tis looks like a deja-vu to me again.. I ve been in tis site ( i m 99% sure i am) 3 yrs ago when i started a new weblog of myself.. and 3 yrs later i finally remmeber that i havent read it for almost 2 years andthen i started tracing it back.. only to find out that i ve completely forgotten my username and PASSWORd! duhh! then i tried everything ( that i could) even tried hard to remember wat i wrote before, keying every single word that I tot i ve written in my previous logs.. but still. my previous webLOG cant be found. It is finally disappeared in the thin air! and how i longed to go down the memorey lane again.. reading everything that i posted before.. uwaaaaa.. wat a waste... i even wrote abt my missing bfs before..
so tis is ridiculous... I ve to start the blog all over again.. ( hope that I m not too lazy to
update it..) anyway.. new blog, new ppl in my life, new life, ermm wat else is new? on 2nd tot.. perhaps it is best for me to start a new blog.. considering tat i have a new man in my life now.. woweeeee... ( wait till 'pakcik' read tis hahahah)
so i have to count the days that i m gonna have my VIVA.. the big event in my entire life.. 3 more days to go.. and i ll be free from my 6 yrs nightmare..
I still miss all the pics that i posted in ere... and all the dreams.. anyway..
WELCOME TO THE REAL LIFE... FOR NOW..