Saturday, June 23, 2012

Back to reality

Time flies so fast...*sighing*. I was in my hometown last week.. did a slow marathon while exploring from the klia entrance to the boarding gate..quite tiring for a person who couldn't even wiggle her both feet last year. While saddling a so so knapsack onto my shoulder, i prayed silently tat the floor is not too slippery for me to walk on..cant risk of accidentally fallen down with my current condition.. heeeee I was up since 4.30 am on last saturday morning so that i would be able to save my breath in catching the early flight to KL. I was way too early infact that I have to wait while listen to someone talking on the phone asking the person on the other side of the phone number of Sydney Harbor police station *giggling*.. Yeah, I can't help but to admire that person's spectacular Australian accent I was everywhere on the prioritized seats for disabled (I am, indeed) but when the people throw some funny looks at me, I felt a bit wary then. Let alone, it was hard for me to stand up from the seat as I usually need space on my won todo that without people staring at me.. In certain situations, with a lowered seat, I need to make a first few attempts before i can really able to stand up. It was quite discomforting then, when this one foreign guy was sitting too close to me, while staring at his iPad screen. " hey, can't u just shift yr ass 1 m away from me , so that I could move my ass up without creating embarrassment, hehehe" tailor that i went for the past ... I was at KB airport an hour later, recognize a neighbor WHen she talked beside me, alas she did not recognize me at first... The vacation started when i went straight to textile store to purchase a few materials for my rays garments.. I know, it still too early to talk about it, but the tailor i went for the past 30 years won't take any order once the ramadhan begins... I have to be fast, as I did not celebrate rays last year.. another reason why i have to 'rays sakan' this year :) Had Father day's meal later at Kheng Som..There was no one else around except the three of us.. Kota Bharu was too hot at the time of the year.. with that I yearned of my room back in Kajang... i was even sweating even tho the fan was put on the maximum at nite.. Frankly speaking, I did not give money every month to my mom, but when i was back home, I would just gibe them money, without trying to offend them. I definitely know that they would never ask it from their cut to make you happy while you are still aliveildren.. but that's the only way to display my affections towards them.. All the money in my saving will not worth their loves towards me... Mom even asked me, when i put some notes into her palms.."cutup ke duit tu sampai nak bagi ma (do you have enough that you can even give it to me)" I can't even answer her as my eyes started to blur with tears, but what I wanted to say was"the money is nothing compared to my love to you, I just want to make you happy while you are still alive, all those money won't replace your love", ... but then, i refused to create such a melodrama at that time.. lol.. when i hand some more notes to bak, i told him 'this is for your iced tea treat, and with these notes, u can drink 300 glasses of iced tea..".. okay, I m not being practical... lol I have become very emotional lately, reading someone;s father stories can make me wept gallons of tears.. watching a dog died on tv, i ll show up with swollen eyes next day..i also cried when i watched happy scene, and it is even worst watching sad scenes.. I guess i have to stop moping over unreal things..Its not good for your health anyway:) ........I know i will get my eyes swollen again tomorroW...but never mind then.. its saturday tomorrow... horrayyy!

Friday, June 08, 2012


Remember when i posted here regarding my BIL's sister who underwent a mastectomy cum reconstructive surgery? I went to visit her when she was still warded. She looks so bubbly and chattered non stop. If nobody knows better, one would thought she has just undergone a simple surgery. She was diagnosed breast cancer stage 2. It was really a fast progress. the cancer cells spread to the lymph nodes within 2 weeks. A gynecologist herself, she didn't hesitate of doing the mastectomy straight away. When she saw me, she told her friends who were visiting her at that time, "this one is a survivor", knowing her, she had surely known how bad my condition was last year. She held my hands and told others that I inspired her to be optimist for fast recuperation. What she did not know is, I almost give up when i was there... yes, Im not that much a survivor actually. When things became worst, as i started to hallucinate and i heard voices saying that the infection has spread to my lung. The deemed light in ICU even contributed to my forlornness during that time. Some 'retarded' young nurses in the ward has told others that i have some 'psychological problem' right in front of my face. I bumped into other retarded young nurses in the recover room at OT whom talked amongst themselves,that i won't have any chance to live further. They did not realize that i was fully awake at that time, while gripping my teeth not to yell at them, for laughing so loud while watching "hantu kak limah balk rumah' on their cell phones. I even saw my every available sibling at that time, while unashamedly confessed that i love them all so much. I was so darn pessimist that i even left a will to everyone of them, even to ma and bak.Somehow, at tat crucial moment, they just heard to everything i said, i was 99.9% sure at that time, that any moment i ll just stop breathing. They said that when that time comes, u ll feel the coldness crippling down from your feet , going up to the upper limbs. When they removed me to the HIGH dependency surgery ward, my abdomen was loaded with feces, which were not able to come out naturally. the abdominal contractions never lasted. and then again, i thought to myself, i must have done a lot of sins to be in such embarassing state. What if GOD will take my life when i was in such a disgusting condition. The story when i was in the ward will never end. I stumbled into some impolite HOs, the ignorant nurses etc etc. They saw me as one helpless makcik at that time. I tried not to be so offended every time. When the HOs poked into my arm, and never able to get the blood, they scolded me. when they hurt me countless times, yet never felt like apologizing, i just kept it to myself. When the nurses yelled at me for not being cooperative when they tried to dress me , what they did not know is, i screamed silently due to the pain. i even wept my tears silently when they told me that i was too lazy to remove my leg. I wished some heavy trucks will just roll on their legs, then they would know how i felt at that time. I have been keeping all the agony and sorrows deep in my heart during that time. I tried not to think about it. I began to emphatize people more. The only thing that make you stood still is the faith, and the perseverance. never in my life that I thought my life can change drastically. I have to live life to the max, a blessed life, an waste less life. i tried not to be so prejudice.i tried to find the good things in people. I tried to just listen other people stories and not trying to add oil into fire. I tried to forgive others ( but its so difficult to forget). I tried to enlighten myself, i tried to make full use of my time, so that i ll get a rezeki halal. I just want to be good moslem, who will be loved by HIM. Allah, forgive all my sins.

Wednesday, June 06, 2012

Pink Baskin robbins

I guess i have this crazy side in mine.. I'm logging in to my blog because i just want to hear the song that i put in here.. (rotfl) and then the next day i ll start humming the song from the minute i enter the room till i clock in.. sooo cute (rotfl again) Anyway, the family is coming back from France tomorrow, the niece posted the pic of the catch of the day.. yeah.. lots of branded stuff.. i have no idea.. how many people have been asking the SIL to buy stuffs for them.. and mind you those are the stuffs that u have to bring buckets of money if u want to purchase it in KL stores... Oh just FYI, i ve never been to Pavilion.. nobody wants to take me there.. so i am quite outdated here.. sob sob I m going for another blood test tomorroW>. almost forgot that i have an appointment with my rheumy next week.. the blood test needs to be done a week prior.. silly going with my student tomorrow... then just treat her with lunch for kindly send me to the hospital tomorrow. i love them.. hehehe Im craving for BAskin robbins.. help. am going back to hometown in 2 week yeay! still having contraction once a while on the wounded quite curious what is happening beneath the implanted skin...hopefully they have been recovering well... I guess, when i think about the months that i wept due to the pain of the wound, how i ve been so numb to detect the presence of people around me... i feel so blessed tat I am still able to toss and turn on my sleep nowadays... never thought that i am still leading a life after what happened to me last year...and for that.. i m deeply grateful to HIM Thank you ALLAH...