Sunday, May 26, 2013

If i could ease the pain... but the ego hurt the most

How do you feel when you have to lie down on bed for 5 months, with your leg fully bandaged, and you cant even squeeze your toe, bcos your leg was so fu&kingly hurt and you have to wail yourself out every morning when it's time for a dressing.
And you dream of tossing and turning on bed like you used to do. whilst at the same time you ve been lying on the same side forever, and GOD knows how sore your body was due to the similar awkward position that you have to bear for 5 months
To top it up, you have bedsore, pressure sores in both of your calves and you cant even put your feets properly on bed due to the wound..
to worsen it all, you have every feeling-less and empathy-less HO who poke your every vein and artery in your body, without even looking at the pathetic patient's face. and when they cant get the blood outta vein, they scolded you for being agitated, and never want to admit that they are suck in that particular procedure.
yet, there is one or two who really respect the patients and will drop by every now and then and asked how the patients felt.
When others are so stuck up, and boasted about their med degree obtained from university of liver pool .. pbhhhttt..
Indeed, i suffered. not because of the pain and wound and all. but the 'well mannerism' of those Houseman officers whom think that they are all qualified to bark, torture and neglect the patients' feelings.
You have taken your Hippocrates oath and within a year, you totally forgot about it.
I lost count of all  the HOs whom i met and yet, I only remember these 2 sweetest HO who treated me as a human being. I have even confidently told them, that they ll become great doctors later.
Anyway, this happened almost 3 years ago, and the memories suddenly came to me, when i take a look at those HUGE scars on my leg, as  reminder that i ve been there and felt that.
and that reminds me of an HO who ignored me thou i begged him not to poke me on the artery of my leg, I even begged him not to poke me anymore after unsuccessful countless times, and asked him to call someone else who is more expert, but he ignored me and he did that, and again it was another unsuccessful attempt. with tears brimming on my cheek, he continued doing that until another HO stepped in and took over the procedure. He left without even apologizing.
and that is how efficient he is..
I still remember his face and i wish i can see him back and giving him 2 pieces of my mind. Just you wait. I know that you d not gonna be a great doc with your kind of darn attitude..
on another note, the scar is looking much better now. I can even feel it at times, and some muscles is getting stronger by day. I am now using the leg as often as i could to strengthen it. It still an ugly sight to look infront of the mirror thou, but I ll survive.

Wednesday, May 15, 2013


As expected i spent all day to attend a viva which took half day and a faculty meeting which lasted till 5.. sob sob.  so much for carrying my laptop all the way from home, when all i got to write was just a few lines.
anyway.. a good mail was waiting for me in the morning, when the first thing that i read has actually brightened my day.  I got the grant.. yess! and with that I d gotta start looking for the future postgrads..Anyone interested? hehehe you d be rewarded with monthly lunch treat at Red Wok hahaha. ok.. not funny.
on another note, when u re so bz, u tend to skip meals. my last meal was a pack of nasi lemak in between the viva session.. and a cup of coffee after the meeting ended. than, i had 2 mushroom soup from pizza hut, which left me feeling nauseous afterwards. i just induced my gastritis again...
owh well.. anthr drastic ending..


Tuesday, May 14, 2013


Remember the task that I am supposed to submit tomorrow? well, i had accomplished the task earlier, when the team leader told me that he only wanted me to name the disruptor and its protein target, that's all. so i  submitted mine 2 weeks ago. there are still several members who re still not clear with what they r supposed to do.. so they inquired the team leader in the email which can be read by everyone who's involved. I told my colleague, he should ask earlier, and why he did that in the last minute hahhaha. i m so glad i ve accomplished mine.
and this morning, the first thing i read when i opened my email was, the team leader instructed me to explain why did i chose that particular disruptor for my area and please include all the references that can support my proposal. and he wanted everything by tomorrow... huwaaaa
there's one thing that i always want to avoid... ie doing things at the last minute. I know i still have 24 more hours to do it, and he just wanted a short explanation regarding that.
I remembered i read everything related with that, but i have a big problem of compiling all those informations and come up with just one conclusion.  It was killing me, so i spent half day to read and browse thru all the journal, but i still have no idea how to start it.
asked for a one day extension, tho, tomorrow will be spent in the viva and the fac meeting. and the day after tomorrow, i am supposed to take blood tests and xray prior to my rheumy appointment.
i felt like crying when i cant even foucs on my readings today as students kept on coming into my room. ...
owh well, this is too depressing to continue..
sob sob...
why cant he asked me much earlier for the task,...
i m feeling so demotivated now...


Saturday, May 11, 2013

words arent enough..

Oh my.. it's mid may already? what have i been doing for the past few weeks? Life seems to pass by in a speed-like nowadays. All I could remember was, before the D-Day, i got to lecture for a few hours, and in the afternoon, invigilate the exam. and in between, i was too occupied to notice what i ve completed. Come Friday, i was in KLIA, catching an early flight to KB. on the D-Day itself, i had an early queue at the saluran 3, for the poll, whilst my parents were downstairs in a longer queue. we did come early, but it seemed that everybody had the same thought as us. I had to wait for 1/2 hours for ma and bak to finish. Cma e across a neighbour at the saluran 1, whom queued along with the parents. Looked like she knew quite a lot about me when she suddenly asked me regarding the incoming trip. "Are you going there to study?" she asked me and I shook my head so hard while glancing at mom.
We had breakfast, at one of the indian restaurant, and I had tosai. Later, i found out that mom was the one who told our incoming trip to the neighbour. and it was quite surprising as mom is not a person who like to boast about her children.
" It was tiring to listen to her boasting about her daughter", and priorly mom told us that the neighbour was telling her about her visit to KL, to take care of her daughter whom recently underwent angiogram. since the neighbour went on and on about her KL visit, mom cant take it anymore, so outta blue, she blurted" I am going to KL too next month, as my daughter is taking us to Istanbul" . hahahaha.
She also felt like adding " what's the fuss about taking care of your daughter in KL, as i went to and fro for 5 months taking care of me 2 years ago,"
Indeed, she was. I was hospitalized for 5 months in HUKM, and my mom was with me during my critical time, for 5 months. In one of the surgery, i was pushed over and i looked so pale, that she volunteered to be with me that night. knowing her condition,which was not that stable, with hypertension and all, i told her to go back, as I can manage my self. but she did that nite, lying on the cold floor in the ward.
back to the d-day, ...
in the afternoon, mom got a call from her sister, regarding her youngest sister, who is also staying in the sister's house. My youngest aunt, has been diagnosed of schizoprenia for almost 15 years. Her condition worsen each year,and last year, we managed to bring her outta house for treatment. Before that, she was in denial, and shooed us of everytime we asked her to go to the hospital. The condition was stable for a few months, until recently, my aunt noticed that her youngest schizoprenic sister did not take her medication anymore. to cut the story short, we managed to take her to my mom's. and my sister, has brought her to the hospital last monday. we have decided to take her to old folk's home, as that is the only option now. My mom and her other normal sisters are too old to take care of her. and I am quite worried that my mom's BP will drastically increase after this. However, the procedure will take quite sometime, so in the mean time, she is staying at my mom's.
on monday morning, i came back via the earliest flight to KL, thinking that monday will be a public holiday for selangor. It was, but the Dean emailed in the early morning, instructing us to work as usual. since i was half way to home already, i asked the cab driver to drop me at the faculty. There was no one in the faculty, only a few staffs who might have read the email, and while i was there, i just finished a few tasks till 5. and guess what? they later announced that monday was a public holiday and for those who worked on that day, they will have and unrecorded leave. very clever rite.. and tell me, when should i insert the leave in between my working days as i always have appntments,lectures or vivas or bla bla bla, every day.
I seriously need a holiday. I m having the back pain, waist pain and knee pain frequently nowadays.
owh a sudden ending..