Pictures speak a thousand words

Blogging is the hardest thing to do..

someone asked me nicely, when will i update my blog? Owh well... I guess a blog should be updated.. at least once a year... or if i were a bit generous, twice per year hahahah..
So here it is...
Do you know that when you are in vacation, you ll always have things that you can properly describe it in detail in your mind and you may translate them into words,, beautiful words.. I might say. The thing is you will be fully inspired with what you feel, see , smell and experience at that time..
and it will only happen when you have emptied your mind from works, stressful works and works again hahaha..
Those are the time that you really see things in their own shapes and sizes.. when in prior you never bother about those tiny things..
Ok lah.. hujan lebat... kang ada yg kena litar pintas lak kat sini hahaha...
anyway.... terimalah..... my favorite place in the world... so far..

Ides of March?

March already... woweeee.. how time flies..
I know this sounds so cliche.. but every now and then I m thanking The Almighty for letting me to live in this world.. to enjoy whatever i m having now ( watching the grace card on HBO early in the morning.. yes I know.. its not good)

Class seems to be not so hectic at the beginning of the semester, but I ll be having more towards the end of it. well, at least i can concentrate in preparing my CV, which is nothing to be boasted about..

One of the post grads has finally submitted her master's thesis, and being pregnant while trying so hard to finish up your dissertation is something that you should be amazed , i mean as her SV.. so she was so overjoyed that she sent me a lengthy message saying how thankful she is for having me as her SV, and thanking me too for having her all these while...

and tears brimming on my cheek while I read her msg..
Dear Erna, I am thankful too for having such a good student as you.. and well i have to admit that i am such a snob sometimes lol

I guess,when it comes to my students.. i would be the happiest if they appreciated what I have given them so far, be it.. dozens of encouraging words or gallons of complaints..

ok, I m being such a sensitive fool again..

Health wise, I have my weekly enbrel jab in my room since last month. There are always someone who would be willing to play nurse everytime I had my injection. So far, I havent missed any yet, and it was quite painful when u need to put into yourself like a 50 mg of the fluid.. yes.. it is painful, and I cant do without the help of my colleagues..

My rheumy followup is next tuesday. hopefully I ll have some good news from the Rheumy, ever since I had this medication..Its been more than a month already

We have decided to take a maid for my parents. We ll get it most probably by today, have to train it for a few days at zuni's and I ll be sending her back to hometown, next week.

I guess, ma would be glad to know tat she has someone whom can help her with the house chores, and the most important thing, assisting her taking care of the kids. When ma called me last nite, telling me that Zura was shocked to know tat I m bringing the maid home.. which quoted from ma' terkejut beruk~translated "monkey shock" lol
i was like.. kind surprised too as I noticed she was on the FB and she'd surely read the status that Abang Li put up last week. I asked ma, didnt she read the post? and ma told me she has to hang up now, in case Zura's coming in.. lol
My mom is so adorable, and now she's acting like a spy telling her 5th daughter about the 6th daughter..
Frankly speaking, I do not have any problem with my sister, but I have been thinking a lot for these past few days, and i personally think that it is so inappropriate of her to let my mom, i mean my 70 years old mom taking care of her 3 kids. and being mom, she wont dare to complain that she's too old for 'grandchild' sitting anymore.

I ended up asking Zuni, the youngest sister to get me a maid. It was so quick, and after a few days she told me the agent called saying that there are 3 indonesian maids coming in the next week. I was about to handle everything on my own, when i remember I still have my other siblings, and being a good sister (rolling eyes), i informed my decision to my brother. and then the brother put up a post in our family group in FB, asking whether everybody would  agree to take a maid for the parents. We had a consensus right after that, but Zura never responded to the post.
so, we thought she might be offended of our decision since she has decided not to take any maid since the last tragic incident. But i still feel, she should not let my mom to take care of the kids.. I mean my mom has been taking care of us the siblings when she was younger, and she should not take any other responsibilities now she's older. When it comes to your kids, please do not burden your mom any more. She had enough already,and now it is the time that we should takecare of our own kids, and not relying on our parents anymore.

Owh well, easier said than done eh. I havent gotten any kids, and its easier to condemn others when u were never been in their shoes.
Well, maybe that's why i am neither married nor having kids. So that, I would not burden my parents with my kids, if i had one.
Ok.. i am ranting now.. lol

I have to start doing the house chores now. Its not tat i have to do it, as this is my house, and nobody will ever bother whether its cleaned or not. but as my mom always say to me, "do it in your own sweet time, Ida"..
and being a prodigal daughter, lol.. nah.. an obdient one I would say.. I will start vacuuming the floor, one I m done with the  movie. Flashdance is on tv now. Such a good movie to go down on the memory lane..

tata peeps.

I'm not anti-social, I m just inferior

I am on medical leave today.. I was thinking that my ortho appointment will end early, but then, my number has only been called after 12. Well, never mind, I can just fulfill a few hours of the afternoon by ermm... posting a post?Anyway, I got  a numerous missed calls when I was in the doctor's room,and i just let the phone rung. It was my student, wanting to see me, thinking that I was in the faculty this morning.

Anway, I am undergoing another joint replacement,which is my wrist. Both wrists are actually badly deformed, but I complained that how my right wrist keeps on being numb whenever I do things, like typing an entry for my blog,like now..In order to do that, I have to pay for RM8K for the prothesis, According to the hand surgeon whom I met just now ( a nice lady,she is), if it's a fusion, it will be cheaper, but then the movement of the hand will be limited. And now, I m going to get as much money for the prosthesis, perhaps a few sessions of starting school/finishing school and entrepreneurship lectures will cover the whole expenses. Of course, the cost of the surgery will be covered by my university but purchasing the prosthesis alone should come from my own pocket as it is sold by an individual company. Last time, when i underwent my knee replacement, my parent paid for the prothesis, and long before that, for the prosthetic hip, i was still under university which i studied at that time. I am just worried that it will consume a lot of time, as the wrist replacement is considered as a delicate procedure . Cant afford to have weeks of not able to use my hands. Anyways, surgery is getting sophisticated each day, I dun have to worry much tho.

The apartment where I live held a jamuan raya last sunday. As usual, I did not attend the jamuan. I  have this feeling that everybody will stare at my deformed hands as well as my limpness. I never told people regarding my illness unless that asked me. Most of the time, I  d let them think that my deformities are congenital. The thing is, being deformed, will only make me more inferior. But then, this is understandable amongst my family members, cousins etc.

Many years ago, due to my unlimited activity and friends, i turned into chatting. I managed to make friends with a few people, whom I disclosed myself as not like others. Most of them are okay as they still want to be my friends despite my condition. I remember this one guy, still remember his nickname on mirc, LSDiamond, and later he changed it to Padaiyappa. I met him once when he came to my faculty, at that time i was doing my PhD in UM Medical Faculty. He was a nice man. I even showed him the pictures I took for my research. whenever we re online, we chatted, and I asked him about the cats. He and his wife are cat lovers. Anyway, later on, when I was online, I noticed him chatting to others and when i said hi to him, he did not even reply. After a few times, I realized that he actually ignored me in purpose, for the reasons I id not even know. he was a bit popular later on in the chatting room, as he has met many other chatters afterward. Finally, I tried to make a final attempt by provoking him in the chatroom. It wasn't that serious tho, as many were talking at the main channel at that time. Surprisingly, he managed to respond to me, by saying" Shut up please, I knew what u r up to, Do no forget that u r 'cacat", shame on you". It hurt me the most, when u have to announce in the main channel, that i am a 'cacat' person, and I did not even know what others have been telling him about me, as in real, i rarely meet up cyber people. That was the most hurtful remark, which I can still remember until now. Some more, cacat is one harsh word, that why we came up with OKU,-Orang kurang upaya.  I did not do anything wrong, I did not fancy him, and I treat him as a friend only, never went beyond the limit. and in the first place, he was the one who desperately seeking my friendship, not vice versa. Tears went streaming on my cheek non stop at that time. I mean, To hear it from someone, that I am cacat, indeed I am, but why did you have to embarrass me, without even really knowing me. Why is there a discrimination amongst us, human? If you r normal, does that make u superior in God's eyes? I later wished his persian cats been hit by cars. and to him, I will never forgive you, for things u said.

I would neither forgive nor forget. After all, I am a Piscean LOL.

Of Indonesian maids.. again

Well how have you been? I m doing fine here, apart of having my swollen right feet last week, it fortunately diminished a few days later. I was about to worry when my right feet suddenly swelled, and I had a TOT on that day. Luckily, I managed to wear my softer sandal, which didn't bring much pain whenever i walked. The hotel however full of stairs, which made it harder to go and fro, be it to the toilet, or the cafe. Anyway, it has become better eventually, thou I still flinch over the first few steps taken.

Reminiscing over the Sept 11, a few days ago, I listened to an 'otai' channel in radio which was discussing on the prior tragedy, back in 2001. thus, it made me remember, down the memory lane, I, on the tiny bed, switching on the tv at one the small apartment which I shared with other 5 people. I managed to rent the smallest room of the house, alone and most of the time, I spent it watching the small tv in that room. It was that long ago. struggling to complete my PhD.. and 11 years later, they are still talking about the tragedy.

Another 'masalah negara', my so called 'prim and proper' sister's maid ran away last monday. We were quite shocked since she was really an 'okay' person since she started working for my sister in March. Even my mother ( who normally  has maid-instinct) never expected this will happen, especially on a maid whom she trust wholeheartedly. We were forecasting that my another sister's maid will run away, based on last ray's observation and also from the stories narrated by my sister. Yet, the 'good' one fled off, leaving the 'bad' one , remains  at home. So, moral of the story, Never underestimate the timid and 'good' maid. they might do unexpected things like fleeing off, and even capable to leave a 3 years toddler at home, alone...

Another thing that i discovered of these indonesian maids, no matter how good, or obedient they are, they will go berserk once  they started befriending males. I had one last time, which i disapproved big time due to her 'nymphomania". Got caught twice for talking to a male stranger at midnite. She left the tap on, and then secretly went out to have a chat with the 'guy next door'. and when my BIL caught her talking, she didn't admit it, saying that the guy asked her something when she went out to pick the towel for a midnite shower, when it was raining heavily a few hours before. Another time she was caught in the toilet. she was caught peeping from the 'sisip angin'. the target might be the house behind ( the house which occupies the male whom we caught her talking to, last time). And when I asked her,, she told me she was inside the toilet to have her nature call, thou my BIL ubiquitously showed her peeping in the dark ( she didn't lock the toilet,and put a small stool to stand onto, before putting her both hands on the window sill ( we found lots handprints there).

Due to that, i was actually reluctant to bring her to KL. I controlled her every steps, even she asked me whether she can go the shops downstairs, i said no. I bluntly told her that I did not trust her anymore. So please bear with me for being unkind ( in the sense of disagreed with whatever she told me). Later, she became lazier, and most of the time I found her staring at the thin air, while scrutinizing her toenails in the room. I became angrier, and she eventually told me that she did not want to work with me anymore. Anyway, she has already damaged the window holder and the 'sink' in the 2nd toilet was totally collapsed ( i only noticed it when she's already gone, she did not inform me). I sent her away before her first year ends. Actually, I was a bit pissed off with the agent, as I ve already asked for her replacement after the first time she got caught. It was in October. I did not manage to get a substitute at that time and when she decided to only wrk for me for a year, i called the agent, and she said she would give me a replacement. I did not have to pay for anything, as it is considered as a replacement, but later on she demanded another 4K from me. I was terribly annoyed and according to my SIL, since the employee breached the contract, the agent has to reimburse me. Seems like the agents was so cunning, she came up with some many excuses, which I finally made up my mind, I ll just sent her back, and as I do not want to pay anything, I ll be sending her for good without replacing a new one.  The agent sent my ex maid to another person, and she easily got another 7 K easily as she did not have to pay for the her entry cost. never mind then.. She'll be paid for her wrongdoings to me

I wish we  do not have to rely totally on these indonesian maids, However, with more than 2 kids, it'd be worthwhile to have a maid at home that sending them to the nursery. I relied on them also last time, when I was bedridden, did not even able to either stand or walk by myself. I need a maid to lift me up, help me bathing etc. Once i m confident that I can do many things on my own, I get rid of them quickly.

I m having a lot of things to write about actually, but the post is written between lunch, a meeting and non stop door knocks at my door, as the students keep coming in to get my signature.

I ll post  again another time

A year ago...

On this very day, a year ago. It brought me the sad memorabilia of me , bedridden for almost 6 months on the hospital bed. I never went into detail on that. In fact i wanted to abolish the memories during my stay there. It was full with misery. At times I woke up congratulating myself for being able to live for another day. My mind was blank most of the time. I sometimes forgot the day. Once, a colleague came to visit me, and when i asked her what day it is, she burst into tears. I never knew that i was in the most pathetic state till she make me realized it.
and yet, year later... Thanks to HIM. for giving me another chance to live.. i had this will, that i d be able to work again , with wheelchair or not before a year after the incident. Thanks to HIM, as HE has fulfilled my wish.
2. Do you know that the place that i feel so at ease today is a hospital? I do not feel isolated whenever i wheeled, as i could see that there are ppl who are less fortunate than me.. i see bald kids who just underwent their chemo.. old people who r totally relying on the children.... very sick forlorn people...and with that I feel that i am not that unlucky.. Of course I would not be able to compare myself with strong healthy people..but I d be on par with those unfortunate. I like the idea tho..
Even of lates, getting tired of reading ppl's normal diaries, I d turn to those who r unfortunate. the cancer survivors, the spinal injury victims, the not so straight guys )( I do not know why they should be put under the same less fortunate category).. but with that, I am so so so very grateful that no matter how worsen my condition is... I am still behold to my faith..and I d never want to be the sinner, who will initiate HIS anger... Oh the Al Mighty..U ve made me went thru the tests, as YOU knew that I am able to go thru them...
Seriously, I d never want to go down memory lane, If I could, I d bury all these memories deep inside and just remember only the happiest things.. but who am I to avoid this... i m just hoping that on this very day next year, I m already able to lead a normal life without having to rely on anyone.. really missed travel alone and do things all by myself...