It's okay

I have 2 younger sisters and 2 elder sisters and 2 elder brothers. Yes I am in the middle of my siblings. I do not have any younger brothers though I yearned one many years ago. Not anymore, as I am now having nephews whom are young men now. +++++++++++++++++ We did have some tiffs once a while, siblings quarrel, they said. I once had the longest argument 24 years ago with my elder sister. We did not talk to each other for almost a year till she got married. The reason? hahahaha that would be the laughing stock if i told it. Anyway, she was in her late 20s at that time and i just reached 20. ++++++++++++++++ With my younger sisters? once a while I d get offended by those 2. But it won't be for long. Frankly speaking, I always wonder how come there are siblings whom are at loose ends amongst themselves. There is a malay proverb of "air dicincang takkan putus" and I definitely agree with it ++++++++++++++++++++++ You would know how much your siblings love you when you are sick and bedridden for half a year. When u are in those sorry states, family will be the only people who will concern about you night and day... right? Then, it won't be the same as friends. Friends come and go. Even best friends, at one particular time, they will leave you.... Even, when you were in your pathetic condition, they can just go and leave you alone. the sad thing is, you can't beg them to come, you can't question their responsibilities towards you. After all, they are just FRIENDS, not FAMILY..... +++++++++++++++++++++++++ And to top it all, instead of comforting you because you are sick at that time, they ll just keep silent.. and being a friend, you won't have any suspicion in your mind.. Of course, you ll think that they are busy with their lives and families, that they can't even spend one hour of their time to visit you who was warded for 152 days +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Other friends would call and ask your condition, but still the 'bestfriend'.. you haven't heard anything from them since you were discharged after 152 days in the hospital, But still,, you thought that they were busy with their daily routines.. ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ After another 150 days, you came back to work, without keeping any ill feelings towards anyone. But then you heard some things that make your heart bleeds.....Yes. your 'best friends' were avoiding you all these while, that's why you didn't get any phone calls or visit. Still, you tried to take the news calmly. After all you can't make others to like you, ten though you can't help to ask yourselves, what have i done wrong, to deserve such cold treatment..... ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ And when you found out, you ant stop shedding tears. YOu eventually got to know the reason. While you were struggling to live during your 152 days in ward, your 'best friends' were accusing you of putting a spell of black magic towards them, that explained their 'sickness' due to that spell. +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ to make it worse, the reason of your pathetic condition till you needs to be warded because you have been backfired due to your at nasty action of chanting a black magic spell to them... Yes, it was you who created chaos in your 'best friends' lives,, according to the 'bomoh' that they went to seek help. he said, someone who is close to you, and they were ascertained the bad fella was you. ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ You did not have the chance to defend yourself because during that time when u were accused, u were at the brink of death. However, Allah has your fate in HIS hand. You have been given another chance to be in this 'cruel' world to face all these. No matter how much you shed your tears, you still have HIM to turn into +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ You were accused of things that you did not do, it is ok. You still have your Creator that knows you. They were still avoiding you, It is ok, you still have HIM as your soul friend. HE won't avoid you, no matter how bad you are. You were thinking, maybe this your karma. You have to admit, you may have sinned towards others without you realizing it. HE is the most forgiven, you can always du'a to HIM, and HE understand. Furthermore, you tried to forgive others who have tarred your heart with more accusations and malicious remarks. and you asked for GOD's forgiveness for all the wrongdoings, the patience to go thru all these.. +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ You had these kept inside for so long.. and today, when you were waiting for the taxi to go back, they came out of the door without any attempts to either smile or say hi like other acquaintances used to do when they bumped into you. You had this tiny feeling tugged in your heart.. a painful feeling... ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ But it is okay, you have your family and the most important thing you have ALLAH who knows how you felt and the ONE who will never avoid you for the rest of your life. You have your family who will be in your side until you die. Then ... you will feel that it is okay...

mellow..

Do you know, why i am not so keen in updating my blog nowadays ( i have to think twice sometimes before decided to send another new post).. yeah, blame it on the Mac.. this lappy tends to correct my sentences, and anything that I wrote in malay will be corrected into english * sighing*.. and due to that, I got so frustrated when 'saya" will be corrected to says.. and "raya" will be corrected to rays ( and I m double-checking this current sentence, in case it is auto-corrected again I hardly write in malay now as i got so fed up with the auto correction... hello... i never said that i m going to be an EDITOR in the future ok... am hopeless when it comes to editing.. And do you know , how much i ve been contemplating whether my impromptu opinion/sayings should be put in writing? and when I browsed through my previous posts, i found out that i did express it well last time, but not at the moment.... again, I have to blame it on this MAc for making me so busy checking on the not supposed to be auto correction in this post, tat I forgot to pour down the correct feelings into it.. I mean how many of you will be checking the draft before you finally pushed the send button? I never did it last time, but I do.. now.. ( owh... so frustrating) I have a few things which burdened my mind this time, it's not that crucial to others, but being me, i am about to burst into tears if i could just mention it to anyone.. Another heartbreaking issue ( as to me )..I was on the phone with my Ma last nite. I tried to call her earlier, but nobody picked up the phone. My mind is not that clear at the mo ( that's why I'm jumping on one subject into another)... but.. is it acceptable if a daughter feels offended with what her mom said to her? I remembered a fe years ago i wrote a post saying that I would try to understand if my mom said something offensive towards me..but I guess, I did not really keep my words..*uhuh* Should i reveal the root of this problem? Well, nobody would understand what I m saying here, .. any way.. I ll jet proceed then ( jiwa kacau mode) Am calling my youngest sis just now, and we talked about it for awhile (i was sobbing in between), but the conversation has to be cut off as she's having a patient. Another issue, I got so pissed off with the chartered taxi owner, that sends me to and fro for the past 6 months to work. I am trying to overcome tis matter, does not want to energize my negativity by pissing off at someone.. heh! I could not smell anything but durian since yesterday. Its everywhere in the house. Yesterday, i thought it was a smell of rubbish, but later i realized it was durian smell.. How on earth this smell could travel that far till it reaches my abode? Must be either the apartment below or above. It becomes stronger in my bedroom... *help* I am drowning in this weird smell.... I am trying to wash off all these negativities on me...shower time!

Back to reality

Time flies so fast...*sighing*. I was in my hometown last week.. did a slow marathon while exploring from the klia entrance to the boarding gate..quite tiring for a person who couldn't even wiggle her both feet last year. While saddling a so so knapsack onto my shoulder, i prayed silently tat the floor is not too slippery for me to walk on..cant risk of accidentally fallen down with my current condition.. heeeee I was up since 4.30 am on last saturday morning so that i would be able to save my breath in catching the early flight to KL. I was way too early infact that I have to wait while listen to someone talking on the phone asking the person on the other side of the phone number of Sydney Harbor police station *giggling*.. Yeah, I can't help but to admire that person's spectacular Australian accent I was everywhere on the prioritized seats for disabled (I am, indeed) but when the people throw some funny looks at me, I felt a bit wary then. Let alone, it was hard for me to stand up from the seat as I usually need space on my won todo that without people staring at me.. In certain situations, with a lowered seat, I need to make a first few attempts before i can really able to stand up. It was quite discomforting then, when this one foreign guy was sitting too close to me, while staring at his iPad screen. " hey, can't u just shift yr ass 1 m away from me , so that I could move my ass up without creating embarrassment, hehehe" tailor that i went for the past ... I was at KB airport an hour later, recognize a neighbor WHen she talked beside me, alas she did not recognize me at first... The vacation started when i went straight to textile store to purchase a few materials for my rays garments.. I know, it still too early to talk about it, but the tailor i went for the past 30 years won't take any order once the ramadhan begins... I have to be fast, as I did not celebrate rays last year.. another reason why i have to 'rays sakan' this year :) Had Father day's meal later at Kheng Som..There was no one else around except the three of us.. Kota Bharu was too hot at the time of the year.. with that I yearned of my room back in Kajang... i was even sweating even tho the fan was put on the maximum at nite.. Frankly speaking, I did not give money every month to my mom, but when i was back home, I would just gibe them money, without trying to offend them. I definitely know that they would never ask it from their cut to make you happy while you are still aliveildren.. but that's the only way to display my affections towards them.. All the money in my saving will not worth their loves towards me... Mom even asked me, when i put some notes into her palms.."cutup ke duit tu sampai nak bagi ma (do you have enough that you can even give it to me)" I can't even answer her as my eyes started to blur with tears, but what I wanted to say was"the money is nothing compared to my love to you, I just want to make you happy while you are still alive, all those money won't replace your love", ... but then, i refused to create such a melodrama at that time.. lol.. when i hand some more notes to bak, i told him 'this is for your iced tea treat, and with these notes, u can drink 300 glasses of iced tea..".. okay, I m not being practical... lol I have become very emotional lately, reading someone;s father stories can make me wept gallons of tears.. watching a dog died on tv, i ll show up with swollen eyes next day..i also cried when i watched happy scene, and it is even worst watching sad scenes.. I guess i have to stop moping over unreal things..Its not good for your health anyway:) ........I know i will get my eyes swollen again tomorroW...but never mind then.. its saturday tomorrow... horrayyy!

Of some health matters..

I just found out that my BIL"s sister whom in the same age as me, had breast cancer. When my sister broke the news, I feel like... If i were in her shoes rite now... what is the first thought that should be lingered in my mind at that time.. I have been put into the same test by HIM a year ago. And now, its her turn. My BIL has lost his both parents a few years ago. as he is the eldest of 7 siblings, most of the worries would be burdened onto his shoulder. They are very close to each other.. With this sudden news, i guess they will all be brokenhearted. I will pray for her recovery. She is supposed to undergo a mastectomy cum reconstructive surgery today. My prayers will be with her ....

Things that make me wonder...

1. Ko sebuk duk bergame fb bagai lagi sedangkan tak sampai 12 jam ko akan fly ke negara orang dan menetap di sana selama beberapa tahun.. dun u have anything better to do than playing those stupid games at this moment? ok fine, kalau dah siap packing bagai, tapi u ll be leaving yr home country and the rest of yr families in here, u can always do the game online, takkan larinya game kat FB tu.. but thinking that a rational person would choose a stupid game rather than .. u know.... *sighing*.. entah le tak paham aku org cam ni.. there are lotsa beter things to do to fulfil this moment... bulan puasa plak ni.. haishhhhh...! (buat ke sekian kalinya)
2. Realizing that there r certain women who dare to risk her lives by conceiving 3 babies in 3 years by c-sect... not sure whether i need to compliment them for her bravery.. i mean kalau normal procedure ikut suka hati ko la nak conceive tiap tahun pun kan.. but... c sect every year? ko memang nak menempuh maut la tu... of course la they will get back to takdir and rezeki.. tapi kan dah nama nya kita manusia, do some extra effort with birth planning... macam org miskin gak.. ko nak salahkan takdir sebab ko miskin? abis kalau ko tak usaha macamana Allah nak permudahkannya... ( kan akak quote hadith kan.. kekekek)
hello dey...some people think medical advices ni are bull shit... cam ada la satu pakcik yang akak kenal tu... dia cakap kalau wat med check up kat hospital of course macam2 la penyakit yang di diagnosa, end up stress tu yang buat lagi sakit... I totally disagree with this theory.. abis ko lagi suka la ek die in a sudden, as u wont have to take any medication for the diagnosed ailments.. biarlah rahsia gitu... tup tup kejung kat mana-mana.. biarlah.. dah ajalnya... kan?
Precaution... ko paham tak apa maknanya tuuu ?

ok la enuff about it... akak plak emo tengahari buta ni... some ppl think they r not selfish as all the actions they they took would be defined as their sacrifices to the loved ones... tapi bagi ahkak kan.. i have to be selfish for my own good... if it considers my body... tapi akak taktau la org lain kan... kunun berkorban apa saja.. harta atau pun nyawa... ko ingat laki ko akan stay single once u r dead? ntah ntah kubur masih merah , laki dah cari org lain.. kununnya nak kena jaga anak2 kecik yang beceretek arek tu...
Peviously, my sister mentioned in her fb regarding her junior MO yang passed away due to the birth complications.. most of her friend doctors siap komen kat status , more likely kutuk sebab this poor lady had a frequent pregnancy previously..
I have no idea why our moms boleh jek conceive every year,, tapi ko tengok la cara pantanga dia org lepas bersalin.. tip top... if they were to conceive the next year, the uterus dah totally healed... tu pun its not recommendable kan... compared to the modern ladies nowadays, jauh panggang dr api la... kan
( i dun know why i m still perturbed with this issue, I had my sister telling me regarding the similar case of her patient).. of course ahkak memang tak layak untuk mengkritik cos i dun have any tiny experinece regarding this... but i have LOTSA experiences ergarding other ailments.. U name it.. I am like a box full with lotsa diagnosed diseases... semua akak rembat hahahah..
Ok lah... tetiba emo di siang hari apasal kak? kekekee.. some people cant take any critics i guess.. somehow those critics would actually make u wonder abt yr life in person... kita takkan nampak apa kekurangan dan kelebihan kita sendiri unless ada org yg habaqkan kat kita honestly kan? I for instance somehow have been denying that i have this reporter insntinct in me.. my siblings used to call me that when i was a kid.. gara2 nak spread first hand info kat my father, akak boleh tergelincir atas titi dan terus terhumban dalama patrit yang penuh minyak hahahaa... tu pun tak insaf2 lagi... of lates jek, i have tried to reduce this so called attitude in me... tried to seal my mouth whenever i obtained some info from the rest of the family.. at times, it can be a good deed for conveying it,, but wat if the info was supposed to be a confidential.. ? tapi si reporter ni tak gheti2 nak tutup mulut?
sama la juga cam org yg suka membuat fitnah, ko ingat dia suka ke kalau org lain nasihat dia.. still cakap yang dia tu baik sebab bukak kain dalam org lain kan?

... Ok lah... nak tido sat... resolusi bulan ramadhan ni cam tak berapa menjadik jek.. cakap tak nak marah2.. tapi kalau ko marah tak melibatkan org lain tak pe kot..... marah sorang2 ngomel sorang2... hihihi

Dear Cik Sri Siantan

Seriously, I am so so not in the working mood. Every morning, when the alarm in my mobile starts singing Akon's Lonely (see? betapa patetiknya aku), my heart will start feeling so heavy. Its not that I prefer the coziness of my bed to the mundane daily routine tat i have to go thru before i opened the door of my house at 7.20 am
Its just dat....I think I need a change. A drastic change. not a few days leave ( I swear I m gonna be restless after a few hours doing nothing , looking forward to sitting on d chair in my office room). *sighing*
I think its a normal thing for women who r still alone at this age. No, no.. i m not complaining as I believed, jodoh itu di tangan tuhan. Not dat I haven't made any effort to seek for my Mister Right, but then, at tis age, I m not so keen to dat anymore. Am hoping that there' ll be some men who accidentally cross my paths on their way to KFC downstairs, kah kah!.
Ahh,, besides I have tonnes of work tat will never reduce no matter how hard i tried to finish em. There 'll always things to do, even tho the studnts r not around. Papers to write, numerous workshop to attend, lectures and talks to hear bla bla bla.
and other things like my never ending health problems (tho i used to ignore it la, pretending that i m healthy)
Masyallah.. jadi tempat luahan hati la plak blog ni.. cett!
sambung kije lah cam tu..