Hari ni hari ibu. since yesterday, I dun know how many times i have wept. Dengar lagu Bonda, aku nangis, dengar Aisyah nyanyi lagu syurga ditelapak kaki ibu, aku berair mata lagi. tengok citer kat astro tu, tak tau manyak kali aku teresak-esak, tengok berita pun aku leh meleleh airmata.
Must be the hormone.. huhuhu
Ni sambil tulis blog ni pun, mata dah start berair..
owh,, and i wept too when i tried to put the bedsheet last nite..
The good thing is ( eh good thing ke? ), I live alone, so i dun have to answer to anyone, the reason I cried.. or i do not have to control tis human dam from flowing..
Owh.. and i cried again when i watched the cerekarama last nite.. u know the mom who gave her one eye to his son. ( bunyi cam familiar jek kan citer tu )
If my mom were here ( I mean beside me, she must have told me, tat such stories do occur in real lives, and we both will weep together while watching the drama)
I love my mom ( everybody does, except for those characters y kat drama tu kan, tu pun Bak will have the anser for it.. which is " dah Pnegarah dia suruh berlakon cam tu " )
I used to think tat my mom loves my youngest sister more than me. and it wud be very obvious when we both avail at the same time. Mom will give more attnetion to my sis.
Mom wont let me do a lot of things, ( yeah, I know it's due to my health and mobility problem. Mom worries a lot about me. when i was hospitalised for a few months and later i was not able to walk for 2 years. I missed the old life so much ( I was in my 1st year at dat time).and when i wanna start my life back again by continuing my study, my mom was so reluctant to let me go. It took some time to convince her tat I wud be all rite.
"Macamana nak pergi kelas, nak turun naik tangga" I have to admit that she was dementedly worried. Even tho how many times that I told her that I would survive, she still didnt believe me.
>"tak payah la belajar, duduk jek kat rumah.. ma ada kat rumah. Kalau jadi apa2 ma tak risau"
but i am always a stubborn girl. No one is able to stop me when i ve decided. Luckily I ve Bak who really understand me. He's the one who backed me up everytime. Without his support, I dun think I ll end up as I wat I am now.
Tapi tak dapat la dinafikan, kedegilan aku ni kadang2 melampau2 sampai Ma pun pening dengan aku. However as time goes by, she has started to go with my flow. memang aku ni anak yg tak makan saman.
tak dinafikan juga, kalau kira kes yg buat aku nak berkecil hati ngan dia, i shud say, there r countless times. When i was younger< i used to think tat I was always rite and i wud never compromise. But now, I wud come out with so many excuses n reasons for any mom's doings. I wont simply accuse or blame my mom even tho she hurts me with her sayings. I blame myself for not trying to be in her shoes. and I think, I dun have any problem with my mom anymore. After all im her only unmarried daughter, kah kah kah. She can confide to me anytime. We spend hours talking via phone , updating about everything under the sun.
Well at this age, it s a bit weird when u still dun have yr own family, but with ma n bak beside me, I can face anything. Somehow, i have a tot that the reason I still live till now because I still have my parent and their endless support.
yeah.. its not easy to become me, u know..
I have tears streaming on my cheek while trying to finish te entry. ceh.. gembeng betul aku hari ni.
As i was brought in a typical malay family, we do not express our loves openly like the western-oriented family. I never said I love you to my mom directly (yeah, aku memang teruk), but I show it via my actions ( tapi taktau la kot2 mak aku tu tak paham2 jugak).
I know she knows, and Z know she wont read this blog. Reason? alaa nak baca paper pun dia malas, apatah lagi menda2 yg virtual ni kan.
Kalau nak dikira jasa ibu, aku rasa kalau aku persembahkan segunung intan dan segaung emas pun, belum tentu memadai lagi. Segala kerisaua dia untuk aku yg dari kecik sampai besar asyik sakit jek, yang menyebabkan dia cepat dapat darah tinggi pun, agaknya penyebbabnya pun aku la.
Sementelah aku ni pun, tak der sapa2 selain ibu, ayah dan adik beradik. Iya lah, kalau org lain.. ehem , AT THIS AGE, u have to divide yr attention n love to different groups of people. when u already have yr own family, yr parents comes second dah la kan.
as for me,, my Ma n bak will always come first. Taktau la macamana rasanya kalau ditakdirkan Allah mengambil mereka dahulu daripada aku. I dun wanna imagine it.
Well, since airmata aku dah hampir kering, and all this weeping thingy has starved me up.. I wud better stop now.
A friend used to say to to me, "' CC ko ni nampakjek kuat kat luar, but inside, u r very fragile" Hmm aku tak ingat dah sapa yg cakap cam tu.. Ko ke tu MG?
heheh.. betul la tu.. but im trying to be strong internally n externally now. Well for a start, i will accept watever things tat are served infront'f me. I wud try not to complain and grumble ( except dalam blog ni la kan, keh keh ). I'd try to adjust in watever my life has been dictated to.
ishh penat la nangis ni... cehhhh!
