I...

Remember when i posted here regarding my BIL's sister who underwent a mastectomy cum reconstructive surgery? I went to visit her when she was still warded. She looks so bubbly and chattered non stop. If nobody knows better, one would thought she has just undergone a simple surgery. She was diagnosed breast cancer stage 2. It was really a fast progress. the cancer cells spread to the lymph nodes within 2 weeks. A gynecologist herself, she didn't hesitate of doing the mastectomy straight away. When she saw me, she told her friends who were visiting her at that time, "this one is a survivor", knowing her, she had surely known how bad my condition was last year. She held my hands and told others that I inspired her to be optimist for fast recuperation. What she did not know is, I almost give up when i was there... yes, Im not that much a survivor actually. When things became worst, as i started to hallucinate and i heard voices saying that the infection has spread to my lung. The deemed light in ICU even contributed to my forlornness during that time. Some 'retarded' young nurses in the ward has told others that i have some 'psychological problem' right in front of my face. I bumped into other retarded young nurses in the recover room at OT whom talked amongst themselves,that i won't have any chance to live further. They did not realize that i was fully awake at that time, while gripping my teeth not to yell at them, for laughing so loud while watching "hantu kak limah balk rumah' on their cell phones. I even saw my every available sibling at that time, while unashamedly confessed that i love them all so much. I was so darn pessimist that i even left a will to everyone of them, even to ma and bak.Somehow, at tat crucial moment, they just heard to everything i said, i was 99.9% sure at that time, that any moment i ll just stop breathing. They said that when that time comes, u ll feel the coldness crippling down from your feet , going up to the upper limbs. When they removed me to the HIGH dependency surgery ward, my abdomen was loaded with feces, which were not able to come out naturally. the abdominal contractions never lasted. and then again, i thought to myself, i must have done a lot of sins to be in such embarassing state. What if GOD will take my life when i was in such a disgusting condition. The story when i was in the ward will never end. I stumbled into some impolite HOs, the ignorant nurses etc etc. They saw me as one helpless makcik at that time. I tried not to be so offended every time. When the HOs poked into my arm, and never able to get the blood, they scolded me. when they hurt me countless times, yet never felt like apologizing, i just kept it to myself. When the nurses yelled at me for not being cooperative when they tried to dress me , what they did not know is, i screamed silently due to the pain. i even wept my tears silently when they told me that i was too lazy to remove my leg. I wished some heavy trucks will just roll on their legs, then they would know how i felt at that time. I have been keeping all the agony and sorrows deep in my heart during that time. I tried not to think about it. I began to emphatize people more. The only thing that make you stood still is the faith, and the perseverance. never in my life that I thought my life can change drastically. I have to live life to the max, a blessed life, an waste less life. i tried not to be so prejudice.i tried to find the good things in people. I tried to just listen other people stories and not trying to add oil into fire. I tried to forgive others ( but its so difficult to forget). I tried to enlighten myself, i tried to make full use of my time, so that i ll get a rezeki halal. I just want to be good moslem, who will be loved by HIM. Allah, forgive all my sins.